Identity is a funny thing. We think we know ourselves and then something will happen that will make us question everything.

This year for my birthday I gave myself the present (yes I give myself birthday presents…SELF LOVE!) of doing a hair transformation. I did this last year when I cut off over 6 inches of my hair, and I absolutely loved it! It was so fun to have an entirely new look! Before last year, I have never cut my hair that short or kept it short at all. I still haven’t grown my hair back out, so I must love it!

Left: After I had over 6 inches cut off my hair one year ago. Right: After I colored my hair this year. Photo credit: my amazing hair stylist Laura Looney!

 

At the risk at sounding like a complete girly girl (which I always fear because I worry people won’t take me seriously…STEM education bias has a broad affect…anyway that is a rant for a different post), my hair is a significant portion of my confidence. Most of my life it has been long and it was always a warm light brown/blonde color. Mixed with my deep brown eyes with gold highlights, I always associated myself with golden tones.  I understood I drew confidence from my hair, especially if I was feeling insecure about my weight or skin. What I didn’t realize was the extent my identity was tied to my hair color.

I was worried my confidence would be shaken after I cut off 6 inches, but the opposite was true. I felt brave and bold and beautiful. I felt it matched the sassy side of my personality, which loves wearing my black leather jacket and a bold lip color. However, after I changed my warm golden tones to icy blonde tones, I no longer recognized myself. I would look in reflective surfaces and take a second look. Who was that? My identity was shaken. I had to remind myself that objectively the color was gorgeous and I loved it! But it look me several days to adjust. I worried that my clothes wouldn’t look the same and my style pillars (which I also tied into my identity) would need to shift drastically to work with the new tone. I had several moments of panic! What have I done? I had remind myself that objectively my hair was gorgeous! My hairstylist did exactly what I asked and looked amazing on me…it just didn’t look like ME!

I thought that cutting my hair so short was going to throw me and be an adjustment, but I now know my identity was tied to the color of my hair. This wasn’t the first time I colored my hair either. I have been doing subtle balayage in my hair for the last 5 years, and in high school I liked to die strands of my hair funky colors. But I never changed the overall tone of my hair.

There is an important lesson to learn for me. Having your identity tied to something superficial and temporary is a dangerous notion. If identity is tied to something superficial, one thing shifts out of your control (or entirely in your control) and that can cause an identity crisis (not to be melodramatic or anything). I think having your identity tied to your appearance is common because often your appearance is the first and easiest thing for other people to see and comment on. If you grow up being told you have really pretty hair, you identity will be tied, at least partially, to your hair. However, it is more stable to have your identity, and therefore confidence, tied to your permanent and internal attributes, but this requires a deeper understanding of yourself. While it may take a lifetime to fully understand yourself, that journey to develop an internal identity is far more fulfilling than developing a superficial identity.

Don’t get me wrong, its amazing to love the way you look, but its more important to love who you are on the inside. When you draw your confidence and identity from the core of who you are, you will become a more resilient person. This journey of self-discovery was my true birthday present!