“It’s as easy as riding a bike.” This cliche permeates our society but before it is true, we all had to learn to ride a bike. The process of learning wasn’t easy. But it requires failure. Think back. You probably started on a tricycle with its balanced base; you learned how to move the pedals and direct the handlebars with limited risk of injury. Then, you advanced to training wheels. If you tipped off the two main wheels, the training wheels are there to catch you. Falling on the training wheels would startle you at worst. You may oscillate from one extreme to the other until you figure out how to balance. Then the training wheels come off. Someone might hold the back of the bike seat to get you started, but once you are going there is nothing to catch you if you lose balance.

An important part of maintaining balance is reading the cues; the bike starting to tilt, not having enough momentum, etc. It is the same with maintaining a balance with your emotions.

(quick aside)

If you haven’t seen Inside Out, stop reading right now and go watch it, but…you know…come back and finish reading.

(ok back to the point)

Our emotions are extremely important tools our mind uses to communicate with us. When we are young, we have adults to help us find balance when we oscillate from one extreme to the other. Hopefully, as you grow up you learn that all your emotions are important and you are able to listen to what they are trying to tell you so you can correct and maintain balance.

For those of us who do not have a healthy relationship with our emotions, balance is a lot harder.

An unhealthy relationship with your emotions can come in many shapes and forms. Maybe you devalue certain emotions. Maybe you don’t listen to what your emotions are trying to tell you. Maybe you let the world show you how should feel instead of understanding how you actually feel. Maybe you let emotions have control over your life. Maybe you can’t let go of control to let your emotions express naturally. Whatever form it takes, the damage to your relationships and happiness is real. 

Emotions are the bridge between our subconscious and conscious minds. While overvaluing or not listening to your emotions might get you stuck on the bridge or prevent you from crossing it, devaluing certain emotions can weaken the bridge entirely. Only with all of our emotions can the bridge be sturdy and balanced.

By shutting down an emotional response, our brain and body are not allowed to process information in a normal manner. Eventually, you may overload and express either the devalued or another emotion in a disproportionate manner; alternatively, you may completely shut down and stop expressing any emotions. Whichever, your reaction will cause more turmoil in the long run than expressing your emotional response at the moment.

Why do we devalue certain emotions? Sometimes messages from society tell you how you are supposed to feel. The classic example of societal pressure to conform emotionally is gender roles. Toxic masculinity tells boys they cannot be sad or afraid, but instead should be joyous or angry. Toxic femininity tells girls they cannot be angry but can be joyous, sad, or afraid. In this respect, women are allowed more of their emotions than men by society. However, this is a mass generalization and as a society, we are working to change this so men are allowed to cry and show fear, and women are allowed to be angry.

Often we use emotion as the opposite antonym to strength and logic.  What if emotions weren’t mutually-exclusive with strength and logic. If instead, we understood the strength and logic within emotions. “She is just being emotional” would no longer be a way of devaluing a woman’s opinion. Men would be allowed to show sadness and fear without being seen as weak.

If you are a rock in a sea of emotion, slowly the waves will erode the stone at your base until you fall into the water.

Beyond societal pressure, we also develop our own core values as we grow up and those can also dictate our relationship with our emotions. If you believe sadness, anger, and fear are negative emotions and therefore you should not express them, it won’t matter what society says you can feel because your core values already restrict your emotional range. Alternatively, if your core values allow you to feel all your emotions, your values can fight societal pressure to build space for your emotions. Since we cannot single-handedly control societal values, we need to evaluate and adjust our core values to allows us to have a healthy relationship with our emotions.

—

Post-note: I am not sharing this as an expert, but rather someone who struggles to find balance.